Past Principal Points

Dating vs. Courting

We live in a culture whose mechanism for pairing people up as marriage partners has proved to be a disaster. Divorce rates are horrendous, and many marriages which remain in tact are battlegrounds filled with tension, disappointment, hurt, and bitterness. I submit that one of the main reasons for failing marriages is that they were built upon romantic love rather than the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Even a marriage determined by the parents would be better than one based on "romantic love" because parents have enough wisdom to look beyond the "glitter" of good looks and a winning personality to evaluate genuine character. Teens and young adults too often do not.

I believe that young people are misled very early on about the whole concept of marriage, and that the root of the problem can be found in the practice of "dating." Dating is a very new and rather rare activity. Most of the world for most of human history has not permitted young people to pair up and go off on their own for large blocks of unsupervised time together. Only in the twentieth century and in the developed nations does this practice occur, and it is here that we see the highest rates of divorce and sexually transmitted disease.

Dating is a seriously flawed concept. It ignores the realities of human biology and encourages pre-marital sexual involvement. At its core it teaches that people are disposable and can be easily replaced. I'll date you while I'm "in love" with you, but after we break up, I'll date the next person that I "fall in love with." Thus, the practice of "serial marriages" which is becoming more and more common in our culture has its precursor in dating.

The younger a person begins to date and the longer he or she dates, the more likely they will end up involved sexually before marriage. If the couple does not indeed marry, then whatever they have done together will have been done with someone else's life partner. Think about it! Does a married man kiss a woman other than his wife? Then why should an unmarried man kiss anyone at all? If he does kiss a girl and doesn't marry her, then he's been kissing someone else's wife! Paul admonishes Timothy along this line, urging him to conduct himself to treat young women as sisters, and with all purity. (ITim 5:2)

I suggest that parents and young people consider the alternative: courting. Courting refers to the development of a relationship with someone of the opposite sex in which marriage is a definite and reasonably imminent possibility. Courting is similar to dating in that it involves spending time together with someone of the opposite sex, but after that the similarities end. Where dating simply focuses on "having fun" together with someone I enjoy, courting is only entered into with the understanding that the two people might, in fact, be suitable life partners. It should be initiated with prayer rather than physical attraction. If God isn't laying it on the hearts of the couple, and confirming it through parents and other Christians, then it shouldn't even be considered.

Courting is initiated by God and centered in His will for our lives. He is the one to initiate the relationship, and He has the prerogative to end it. Because of our human weaknesses, we can never presume that a courting relationship will actually culminate in marriage, and so we must conduct ourselves on the assumption that it might not. Therefore, we would only do those things with a courting partner that we would feel free to do with our sister. The end result of courting is a marriage built by God for His purposes, entered into with all purity, and receiving the full support of family and friends.

Brian Hazeltine, B.Ed., M.A.
Principal, Airdrie Koinonia Christian School