Past Principal Points

A Parent's Authority

Over the years I have had a number of conversations with parents who were struggling with their kids over issues of obedience. It is sad to see parents battling with their children when they are young, but it is absolutely awful to witness when they are teens. If we have to yell at our kids to get them to obey; if we are constantly fighting with them over chores, or attitudes, or how they treat their siblings, then we are missing out on the blessing that God intended our children to be.

The Scripture teaches us that we are to raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Nurture covers the elements of physical provision (food, clothing, shelter) and emotional support (encouragement, sympathy, teaching). Admonition deals with correction (rebuke, exhortation, discipline, punishment). In the past, many Christian parents have over emphasized the latter and raised their children with lots of rules and regulations. Children growing up in these joyless homes came to understand law but never grace. When they got older, they often left the faith entirely because there they had never experienced discipline in the context of love.

These days, however, I see parents overemphasizing nurture and forgetting their role as admonishers. Either in reaction to parents who were overly strict, or as a result of accepting a humanistic philosophy about protecting a child's "self-esteem," they refrain from setting the necessary boundaries. They negotiate for obedience. They resort to cajoling and bribery rather than appealing to and insisting on their rightful position as god-ordained authorities.

I have seen first hand the result of this kind of upbringing also. At the end, teenagers become totally disrespectful of their parents, of their teachers, and everyone in authority. They go out at night until all hours, returning when they feel like it. They smoke, do drugs, go to wild parties, and engage in illicit sex. After finishing high school, as young adults, these same children stay at home, contributing nothing in the way of doing chores and paying no rent. The parents throw up their hands and say, "What can we do?" In effect, the children now run the home, and the parents have become the servants who do their bidding. It is absolutely incredible and horrible to see, but I have come across it many times, and it grieves me. It is tragic, and it is totally avoidable.

Not only is it tragic, it is sinful. No parent has the right before God to abdicate their responsibility to train up their children in the way they should go. Every parent who is presently fighting with their children, needs to first get on their knees before God and repent of not having exercised the authority that God has given them. Then that parent needs to make it clear that, regardless of whatever discussion may ensue about the little things, matters of principle are not up for negotiation. When it comes to morality, parents are obligated before God to set the standard and insist on compliance. If a child refuses to comply, then they are in rebellion. When they are young, they can be spanked. When they are older they should be removed from the house, by the police if necessary. While that seems harsh, the only alternative is for the parent to come under the child's authority and turn a blind eye to their sin, and that is completely wrong.

What must never be up for negotiation is the parent's position of authority. Once a decision has been made about a chore, a curfew, a privilege, or whatever, then that decision must be respected and obeyed. Children who refuse to obey may do so if they wish, but then they should not be allowed to remain members of the household. If they are, then the parent has become the accomplice, aiding and abetting them in their rebellion. God holds us accountable for ignoring the sins of our children. The story of Eli's sons is very clear on this point.

Once when I explained this principle to a group of parents, one father spoke up and said, "You mean you would kick your own child out of your house?" My answer is, "No, I simply set the standards of behavior for those who choose to live in my house. If my child chooses not to abide by those standards, then they are choosing to live elsewhere. It is the child's choice where to live. What is NOT acceptable is to live in my house and not live by my standards."

This is a basic principle of life, and shouldn't in the least be shocking. Can an employee say that he wants to work for a company but not abide by their policies? Can a citizen say he wants to remain free but continue to break the laws of the land? Only in the home have we completely abandoned this basic principle, and the harvest is bitter indeed.

Brian Hazeltine, B.Ed., M.A.
Principal, Airdrie Koinonia Christian School