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The Omnipotent Child

Over the next few months, I will be excerpting material from this book for Principal Points. This will be a six-part series, so there may be a few interruptions along the way!

This is a book for parents of a strong-willed child. Dr. Millar gives both an excellent description of the nature of this child as well as a number of practical approaches to raising them. Though the book is somewhat repetitive and not specifically written from a Christian perspective, I found the concepts quite insightful and the strategies practical.

The Omnipotence Illusion

From birth, children begin to develop a sense that they are in control of the universe. They cry; they are fed, or changed or rocked. The response from mom is usually quite predictable and instantaneous; however, as the child gets older, mom does not respond quite so quickly. Children thus start out life thinking that they can control what they want when they want it. However, as they get older, they begin to realize that they are not really in control of their universe: Mom is! Their next phase simply transfers their desire for control of the universe towards a desire to control mom and bend her to their will. (Later in life, children realize that mom is not omnipotent either and begin to transfer their confidence and need for security to God. In some cases, this dependence is wrongly transferred to friends, and that creates a new set of problems.)

Every good parent begins the process of “disillusioning” the child about their being the center of the universe and helping them to see the needs of others typically in the first or second year of life. Over time, more and more maturity is expected of the child. For example, when the toddler expresses that he is hungry, he is told he can wait a while. When the teen says the same thing, he is told he can get it for himself. It’s a natural progression that most children go through, but some get stuck along the way and don’t make the appropriate growth at an appropriate age.

Characteristics of the “Omnipotent Child”

Illusion of Omnipotence—He continues to think that he is in control and that no one else can “be the boss of me.”
Self-centered—Life revolves around his needs and wants, and the concerns and feelings of others are totally irrelevant.
Intolerance for “Unpleasure”—Anything that requires work, sacrifice, time, patience, or tedium is beyond him. Everything must be fun and pleasant right now.
Low Self-Esteem—This is not the cause, but the result of the three previous elements. Because the child insists that others bend to his will and do what he wants, he fails to develop competence in many of life’s tasks and then develops a reputation as difficult, stubborn, or lazy.

To help a child through the process of “Omnipotence-Devaluation” (I’m not the center of the universe), it is important that mom win the battle of the wills that inevitably arises. This is where discipline is needed.

Part Two—The Temper Tantrum

Temper tantrums are a way that children attempt to exercise control over other people who will not do what they wish. If the child is successful with this method (or any behavior), then they will repeat it. Tantrums may take the form of screaming, stomping of feet, slamming doors, holding breath, etc. Dr. Millar has a simple method for dealing with temper tantrums:

The Signal—Point your finger at the child, state “You are having a tantrum” and then cross your arms and look at him. The pointing of the finger is an obvious signal, and doesn’t require yelling louder than the child who probably isn’t listening.
The Silent Seven—Count to seven in your head. The child soon learns that a timing process is under way. The seven seconds allows the child to get themselves under control.
The Removal—Escort, propel, or carry the child to a room for containment. It may be necessary to put a long hook and eye on the outside of the door to lock it slightly open. (I personally would spank a child who came out of the room after being removed as that would constitute clear rebellion. Also, leaving the door ajar may mean that the child continues to scream and disrupt the rest of the family, and they do not have the right to do this. However, doing so leads to the next point.
The Timing—Use an egg timer to set a fixed time—Dr. Millar recommends four minutes—and set the timer just outside the door, within sight but out of reach of the child. The timer is useful to control both the child and the parent. The child will know that no matter what they do, they will not get out until the timer has rung, and the parent is prevented from relenting and “releasing” the child prematurely. At the same time, it sends a clear message to the child that there is an end to the detention.
Persisting—Continue this program as many times as it takes, and within a few days, tantrums will be virtually eliminated. Following the details is critical. For example, never repeat the signal before following through. This simply tells the child that you don’t always mean what you say. Never let him out of the room before his time is up. Never let the child define “tantrum”; the parent makes the call, and gives the signal. If the child responds, problem solved; if they don’t, then follow through.

The critical aspect to this whole approach is that the child is being forced to accept the discipline of the parent. A calm, consistent, and persistent approach will be very effective.

One additional comment is in order: Most of us probably think that a four minute timeout is a very short time, but one of the things I like about Dr. Millar’s approach is that his emphasis is on “swift” and “sure”, but not “severe.” I’ve seen this both in parenting and in teaching. Teachers who address the small problems quickly and consistently very seldom actually have to “punish” a student, and when they do, it needn’t be particularly severe. A “slap on the wrist” is usually all that is needed. The more we can emphasize “preventative discipline” the less we will need “corrective discipline.” While Dr. Millar certainly is supporting the use of corrective discipline, the emphasis on “swift and sure” reduces the necessity to be “severe.” While I believe that the Bible supports the use of spanking in the case of clear rebellion, I also think that this should be a rarely used tool. I’m convinced that Dr. Millar’s practical strategies will be quite effective in most cases.

Part Three—The “Mother-Deaf” Child

How often have you noted that your child seems to have “selective hearing”? For some reason they just didn’t hear you when you called or asked them to take out the garbage or set the table or whatever. They certainly seem to be able to hear the phone when it rings, but not their own mother’s voice. Familiarity breeds contempt? In any event, Dr. Millar has a fairly straightforward solution.

State your request clearly and set a time limit for the task to be accomplished. Keep the time frame short, or the task truly will be forgotten. This can be “supper will be in ten minutes”, or “I need you to take the garbage out in the next five minutes”, etc.
At the end of the above time limit, give your “second telling.” This is the point at which the child has 10 or 15 seconds to act on the request. They’ve been duly alerted above and been given some choice over when to respond within the time limit set. Now, there is no option; time has run out.
If the child does not respond immediately to the “second telling” he must be fetched and supervised to complete the task.
If the child must be supervised, then there is a consequence. When a child is particularly unruly, a parent can be meting out consequences all day long, so it is useful to have a “second telling” jar. For each time the child must be supervised to do a task, a token is put in the jar. While not a punishment in itself, it is a clear reminder that failure to obey has consequences. After three tokens are in the jar, then a punishment is set. This can be the loss of TV or play time, etc. Once the punishment has been served, the tokens are removed and the process can begin again.

This simple program replaces the “six tellings and a yelling” approach with a simple, calm and consistent approach. Over a short period of time, the child will begin to keep track of how many tokens are in the jar, and this is a sign that he is taking note and thinking about his actions and their consequences. Initially, the jar may fill up quickly, even within hours, but in a few days, it will begin to take longer so that it becomes days between tokens and punishments.

Again, the key here is “swift and sure.” The younger the child is when a program like this is begun, the faster he will adapt. Of course, many children become attentive and compliant without the use of a “second telling” jar. There is no correct way to raise all children, but this is one technique that holds promise of making life simpler and more peaceable for all. Moreover, this approach moves beyond “telling” children how to behave and into “training” them how to behave. They must comply and fulfill the requests; however, because they did not comply within the allotted time, there is a price to pay. Eventually, they realize that there is no mileage in dawdling. To be sure, some are slower to learn this than others!

We must remember that all discipline takes time and effort, and this program is no different. However, the time invested in developing a calm, consistent approach can eliminate the frustration of not being listened to until the volume is raised. If a child knows without a doubt, that the second telling means “respond now or get a token” and “three tokens means trouble”, then they will eventually comply. It is crucial, of course, that parents hold the course. After all, we are talking about training up our children in the way that they should go. At the end of the day, we are really talking about developing character in our children, and that is what it is all about.

The Omnipotent Child, Part Four—Developing Patience & Persistence by Dr. Thomas Millar

The Omnipotent Child has little patience or persistence. This shows up in four areas specifically: Tedium, Anxiety, Disappointment, Anger. They have little tolerance for anything that is not in and of itself exciting. Getting dressed in the morning takes forever because it holds no interest for this child. New circumstances or being left alone are intolerable because these are situations where he might not be in control. Handling disappointment is a problem because he is not getting what he wants when he wants it. Frustration is not displayed in appropriate fashions but in explosive temper tantrums.

Training the child to cope with tedium, anxiety, disappointment, and anger is part and parcel of loving him. If he cannot develop patience and perseverance, he will always remain immature. Simply “loving” the child and patiently enduring these behaviors will not make them go away; it requires specific, disciplined training.

Take the simple case of getting dressed on time in the morning. For this, Dr. Millar suggests a Remedial Parenting Program to counteract the common mistake of “ineffective overcontrol.” It is ineffective because it doesn’t work. It is overcontrol because Mother is always present to nag, cajole, assist, and supervise. Both the child and the mother hate this all too frequent scenario, but neither sees a way to escape. Dr. Millar applies some of the principles discussed earlier to this simple situation:

Make the expectation very clear and specific. (Getting dressed includes shirt, pants, socks, shoes, hair combed, & bed made.)
Set the time limit. (You must be dressed and downstairs by 7:30AM)
Accept the need to supervise if the task is not completed on time. (There are to be no reminders and no supervision prior to the time limit, but once the time has passed, go and supervise every step of the way until the task is completed. This will be necessary initially but should be done without anger.)
Supervision results in a consequence. (Because you had to give up your time to supervise, the child will be required to give up some privilege. The child should simply be informed in a matter of fact fashion that this is the case. Do not accept excuses and half-measures such as everything being done but the shoes or the bed, etc. The child has been given one simple task and plenty of time; the consequence is the result of his failure to do what was required.)
Follow through with the consequence and do not be troubled by the “sweet lemon”. Dr. Millar has noted that often when it is time for the consequence, a child will say something like, “I didn’t want to watch that show anyway.” This is their attempt to turn the sour consequence into something sweet and prove to you that your punishment is ineffective. Dr. Millar recommends the following response to this, “That’s OK, but if you had wanted to you wouldn’t be able” and leave it that. The point being made is that the child is no longer in control.

It is essential that the same behavior consistently results in the same response. Typically, what happens eventually is that the child dresses himself and makes the bed for two or three days in a row and then misses a day. At this point, the parent must not reward the three good days by declining to punish the one day of misbehavior. This will completely undo the gains and set the child back. Getting dressed on time in the morning is not an option and it is not a particularly commendable, noteworthy behavior. It is expected and required.

The whole point of this program is to train the child systematically to accept that tedium is a fact of life and that some things simply must be done whether we like it or not. It is not enough to tell them this; we must train them to act on this. Only when they can complete boring tasks on their own has the training been completed.

Ultimately, the process of training the child to develop patience and perseverance will lead to greater maturity. The more a child can cope with life, the more he is ready to face the challenges life throws at him. As he meets each new challenge and overcomes it, he develops coping skills and confidence, and this leads to what is considered healthy self-esteem. We must understand that trying to build up a child’s self-esteem is putting the cart before the horse. We must first build his coping skills. Successful behaviors build self-esteem, but not the reverse.

The Omnipotent Child, Part Five—Punishment and Rewards

Many people confuse the term “punishment” which refers to a consequence designed to change behaviour with “punitive” which implies an action designed to hurt. The idea that it is wrong to punish children for their behaviour has gained such wide acceptance that parents have become frightened off from fulfilling their responsibilities. The idea that punishment is somehow bad is simply nonsense. Millar encourages parents to make use of punishments which he defines as “a reasonable consequence, contrived by the parent out of the life materials at hand, and visited upon the child because he or she did not accept a limit or meet an expectation with the conditions imposed.” It’s a bit lengthy, but it reveals some of the specific elements Millar uses to change behaviour.

The most convenient and easily used punishment is a removal of privileges. Adding an extra duty usually involves the parent having to supervise the new requirement. Removal of a privilege really doesn’t require much effort at all. Also, to be effective, a punishment doesn’t have to “hurt” the child; most of the impact is actually psychological: the parent is in control, and the child is not.

The Sweet Lemon: One of the most common responses of a child who loses a privilege is for them to say that they weren’t interested in doing that activity anyway. This is what Dr. Millar refers to as the Sweet Lemon (turning something sour into something sweet). In reality, this is the child’s attempt to declare that they are still in control of the situation even though they know deep down that this isn’t true. Every time a parent responds with “That’s nice, but if you had wanted to you couldn’t” the child is reminded that the parent is in control. For them to truly give something up voluntarily, they know that they would also have to have the freedom to do it if they wished. They have lost that freedom because of the parent’s decision, and so they begin to realize that they are not “the boss”. This is one of the major tasks of the parent: The child must come to understand that they are not “omnipotent”.

The central element in punishment is communication. It is an “action dialogue” whereby the parent asserts control over the child and helps them change their behaviour to become more acceptable. Punishments needn’t be harsh, however, to be effective. A mild punishment communicates the same message as a harsh one, but it is kinder and less likely to produce parental guilt. Also, it gets increasingly difficult to up the ante. Removing TV for a week removes a useful consequence and parental tool for a week! Removing a half hour for the evening still leaves plenty of options to use for the next infraction. On the other hand, there are times when a child needs a good spanking too, and that is for the very overt, rebellious and disrespectful behaviour. Use it sparingly, but use it, and it has impressive results.

One of Dr. Millar’s most interesting insights is his observation that reward is a very different kind and less effective reinforcer than punishment. Many parents (urged on by pop psychologists) feel that it is better to give a reward for good behaviour rather than remove a privilege for bad behaviour. Millar hotly disputes this. There are several problems with rewards. First, if the child does not do the desired behaviour, then nothing happens which means that there has been no “action dialogue”—no meaningful communication about the behaviour. Not receiving a reward says nothing; the child hadn’t received it before, so nothing has changed. “Non-reward” speaks with such a soft voice that it is not heard by the child. However, punishment speaks with a loud voice. If the desired behaviour doesn’t take place, the situation changes. There are consequences, and the child gets the message that indeed he is not in control over his life, and that is the main message parents need to send to their children. (Note: Dr. Millar feels that “natural consequences” are not very effective. They do not communicate that the parent, not the child is in control. Thus, if a dawdling child suffers the “natural consequence” of being late for school, he doesn’t really ever have to give up his illusion of being in control. He’s still “the boss.”)

The second great weakness of reward as a reinforcer for good behaviour is that it must be kept up indefinitely. If a parent promises a privilege for some behaviour that is desired, then as long as the child continues to do that, the reward must be given. However, this makes the child more dependent on the parent not less. Punishment, however, is given out only when the desired behaviour is not seen. Once the child begins to act appropriately the punishment is removed. This also removes the parent from the equation, thus transferring responsibility for maintaining the good behaviour to the child. The whole point of discipline is to bring the child to the place where they automatically and without effort on their part, or their parents part, do the right thing. The ultimate goal of parental discipline is the development of self-discipline on the part of the child. Punishment works because it speaks loudly, challenges the child’s sense of omnipotence, and eventually disappears with improvement. It is therefore much more effective than reward.

Brian Hazeltine, B.Ed., M.A.
Principal, Airdrie Koinonia Christian School