Past Principal Points

The following is the outline of the talk Brian Hazeltine gave at the CARE Meeting last week (January 16^th).

The Five Love Languages

How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

What’s Love?

• Ice Cream? My dog?
• My father? My sister?
• My husband/wife?
• My children?
• A commitment to meeting the needs of another and helping them to grow and thrive

The Love Tank

• Beyond the basics of food, clothing, and shelter
• A need for love & affection
• A need to be wanted and belong
• A need to be important to someone
• A need to be significant
• True for children and adults

Empty Tanks

• Emotionally Disturbed
• Behavior Problems
• Anger & Resentment
• Bitterness, Withdrawal, & Loneliness
• Tantrums, Violence & Destructiveness
• Suicide

Full Tanks

• Healthy Self-Concept
• Sense of Well-Being
• Confidence to try new things
• Ability to sacrifice for others
• Strong Relationships
• Respect for Self & Others

In Love or Real Love?

• Falling in Love? (Not a conscious choice)
• Falling in Love with Love? (Effortless)
• Emotion vs. Commitment
• Happiness vs. Joy (Goal: Deal with my personal loneliness, not your growth as a person)
• Liking vs. Loving
• Like Because (Depends on Qualities of the Beloved)
• Love Although (Based on Qualities of the Lover)
• Emotional Love Runs a Two Year Course
• Afterwards comes the Falling Out of Love

Real Love

• Is Emotional & Rational
• Meets Our Deepest Emotional Need

· To Love, not to be loved

· To Meet a need, not to have needs met

· In giving, we receive

• Requires Our Thoughtful Commitment

· It is deliberate

· It is disciplined

· It is daily

• Real Love Lasts A Lifetime

· (Way after the In-Love Experience Fades)

Speaking The Language

• Each of us is programmed to communicate love in specific ways
• Each of us “hears” love in specific ways
• If we don’t understand the language we won’t feel loved
• If we don’t speak the language, we won’t communicate love
• Wrong Language Equals Empty Love Tank

The Five Love Languages

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Giving & Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

· One or two are learned in childhood (native tongue)

· Others can/must be learned in adulthood

· We are all LSL (Love as a Second Language)

Words of Affirmation

• An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind work cheers him up.
• Verbal compliments
• Words of appreciation
• Expressions of thanks

· On looks, skill, wisdom, actions, thoughtfulness, faithfulness, helpfulness, etc.

• Honest expressions of love, not flattery

Quality Time

• Undivided Attention
• Looking at one another
• Talking to each other
• Taking a walk together
• “Going out together”
• Doing things of common interest
• Listening to one another (sharing burden)

Giving & Receiving Gifts

• Something you can touch & look at
• An expression of love: A tangible reminder that someone cares
• A gift says, “I was thinking of you.”
• A sign of commitment, e.g. a wedding ring
• A symbol of value: Purchased, found, or made (dialect)

Acts of Service

• Giving through serving: Doing things you know your spouse would like you to do
• Housework: Cooking, cleaning, washing, vacuuming, picking up, pet care, etc.
• Childcare: Diapers, feeding, dressing, carpooling, coaching, reading, praying, etc.
• Maintenance: Repairs, painting, plumbing, oil changes, car wash, yard, computer, etc.

Physical Touch

• Holding hands
• Hugging, Kissing
• Backrubs, foot massage
• Stroking hair, rubbing a shoulder or leg
• Pats on back, on behind
• Sexual Intercourse

Primary & Secondary

• Most people have one primary language

· What’s Yours?

• Most people have a secondary language

· What’s Yours?

• Most couples don’t have the same primary language.
• Often the primary language of one is the least important to the other

Learning a New Language

• Ask your partner to teach you
• Make a list of possibilities
• Don’t be afraid to negotiate
• Ask, “How can I let you know that I love you?”
• Practice each other’s love language

· Awkward, Not natural at first

• Commit to doing one thing each day
• From the will, not emotions
• Because you love each other

The Five Love Languages

How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate